Hi. I’m Kate. Turn ons include IV drips, PETscans, and organic fig newtons. Turn offs include whining, hospital gowns, and artificial sugar.
Let’s see how much life I can squeeze in between work, chemo, sleep, and scans.
Pumice Stone
Almost everything in life is done in stages. This not so insightful thought occurred to me today during my pedicure. I’m well versed in the pedicure ritual. Pick your color (today’s selection was ‘I don‘t do dishes‘ red), sit, soak, and smile. Nestled in the enjoyable routine is the dreaded pumice stone. For those not familiar with pedicures, the pumice stone is used to smooth out any rough spots. Basically it’s vigorously rubbed on the sides and bottom of your feet and comes dangerous close to crossing the line from pleasure to torture. Being born with an enlarged funny bone, I despise the pumice stone. It reminds me of the days when my brother would sit on me and tickle me until I almost wet myself. I endure this step in the pedicure process because I know the end result is worth it.
As I gripped the armrests, bracing myself for the inevitable, it dawned on me that I skipped a torturous, yet necessary step in the cancer journey. I thought I had hit them all. I spent a lifetime in denial, camped out in depression, and even served time in bargaining.
But I think I missed one of the earliest and most important stages, anger. There was no screaming, breaking things, or punching pillows.
I read a lot after being diagnosed and everything said that, in order to heal, I had to be at peace with cancer and my diagnosis. I immediately did everything I could to get there. I immersed myself in meditation and yoga determined to find this mystical place of peace. I convinced my family, friends, and myself that I was indeed at peace. I planted both feet solidly in acceptance and tried desperately to grow roots.
After nine months of brooding, anger finally decided that it had had enough. It was tired of hearing me say ‘I’m fine’ to everyone who asked and choose last night to make it’s appearance. There’s a part of me that regrets publishing last night’s blog because of the worry it caused, but I think it is important to see that this journey isn’t as easy as green purses and rainbows.
I don‘t know if anger is finished with me yet. I ignored it for so long that I have a feeling it may be back, but next time I don‘t think it will be quite as strong. I learned that I don’t have both feet in acceptance just yet and still have some work to do. I know spending some quality time with anger will be difficult, but like the pumice stone, I know it will be worth it in the long run.
Kate ~ I can sooo relate to missing the ‘anger’ phase in its true form. I did the ole’ ‘I’m fine, really,’ ….’It could be worse,’ blah blah blah.
Wouldn’t it be nice if that pumice stone could rub all those raw emotions out of us? Guess I need one serious pedicure
BTW good blog!
Boy! this is the best read since my diagnoses in 2004. So glad I found you.
Candie
Have you checked out PanCan.org. If, not check it out. They have a spot for inspirational stories like you. Such a bright lite in a dark place; refreshing,inspiring, fighter and true survivor of cancer. It would be nice if other’s in our predicument could find your Blog and read it. I know it gave me some good laughs, serious thoughts and questions as to how I am handling myself through this journey. Truth is, this Pancreactic Cancer thing is not fitting into my “control freak” lifestyle. LOL. So, I too chose to fight it and fight those stats given to me of 6 months. That was over three years ago.
Candie
age 44
“I planted both feet solidly in acceptance and tried desperately to grow roots”
Just one of your awesome uses of symbolism. Kate, you know these are ultimately going to have to be assembled and published as a book. Your writing is really something.
That last anonymous comment was from me.
Add A Comment