Hi. I’m Kate. Turn ons include IV drips, PETscans, and organic fig newtons. Turn offs include whining, hospital gowns, and artificial sugar.
Let’s see how much life I can squeeze in between work, chemo, sleep, and scans.
Dryer Sheets
We all have milestones in our lives - birthdays, anniversaries, whatever - dates we celebrate every year. Today is one of those milestones. Eight years ago today, I married my husband. We celebrated with a nice dinner out - I actually had wine! Unfortunately, the house is now quiet and I’m left with only my insomnia, laptop, and the sound of my laundry being tossed around in the dryer.
It occurred to me tonight that I’ve started to dread milestones because I can’t help wondering whether I‘ll be around to celebrate it again next year. Honestly, I’ve been doing this ever since I was diagnosed. What if this is my last winter? What if this is my last spring? Summer? Fall? And now I’m back to winter again. I’m tossed around and around, just like the laundry in my dryer.
To me, it’s important to think this way occasionally because it makes you appreciate your life at that given moment, but this is getting ridiculous. I just switched my closets from my summer to winter clothes and couldn’t help wondering if I’d be around next July to wear my favorite sundress again.
What’s next? Will this be the last time I replace the toilet paper roll?
When you think about it, this particular train of thought isn’t unique to cancer patients. Anyone could start the dryer and wonder if it will be their last load. Unless you win the lottery, my guess is no - you will have many, many loads of laundry in your future.
I’m tired of thinking what if this is my last <insert milestone here>. I’m tired of being tossed around in the dryer, but I can’t seem to open the door and climb out. Maybe I need to learn how to enjoy my time on the fluff cycle. Really, who doesn’t love the feel of warm laundry or the smell of dryer sheets? If this is to be my new home, maybe I need to embrace the lint filter and make friends with the mismatched socks.
I feel so lucky to have you as part of our family! (Even though I wonder if you knew what you were getting yourself into!) We love you tons, keep up the kick ass fight!!!
Kate - Get out of there quickly. The heat is getting to your brain!! (grin)
Kate ~ I know exactly what you mean. I was beginning to think I was developing an anxiety disorder. I wonder, will this be the last time I will give treats out on Halloween and the list goes on & on & on…….
Then, I rally back and say to myself, ‘heck no sista, you’re in this to win.’ Now I even talk to myself –holy moly. :O
Time for us to get out of the ’spin cycle.’
Take care
You articulated my thoughts perfectly. In fact, I had the same thoughts about my summer clothes and in particular a brown halterneck cotton sundress (which it turns out I did wear again because my husband booked us a trip to Mauritius, which is where I am writing this). And if I do get to wear my summer clothes next summer, will I ever just relax and wear them, or will they always be weighed down with the “is this the last time” question? To paraphrase Freud, will a sundress ever be just a sundress again? Thanks for showing us we are not all alone and crazy here.
Also thanks for your email - I’ll write you back when I’m back in London.
Today I took my son to the dentist, and we scheduled his next 6-month appointment for May 2008. I had exactly the same thoughts, down to: “Will I be thinking these same thoughts in May when we schedule the next appointment for November 2008?” I agree — happens every time there’s a milestone, and especially when I have to write something in my calendar that’s further than a few months away.
Say, you didn’t happen to find an unfamiliar black sock in your dryer, did you? I’m missing one…
Your point about “anyone” wondering whether a particular milestone or daily activity will be their last is well taken. We all should strive to make the most out of this flash-in-the-pan we call life.
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