Mirage
How do you define your future? Are you a fiscally-minded person who sees life neatly divided into quarters? Or do you pay homage to the European philosophy that life is made up of a series of mini-holidays? Are you able to look into the future and clearly see yourself with your spouse, two kids, and a golden retriever?
Truth be told, I’ve never had a clear picture of my future. There were too many possibilities and, like shopping at a discount store, nothing seemed to fit right. My future has always been more like a mirage in a desert - a blurry image of a woman surrounded by family, friends, and a barn full of horses. Now that cancer is part of my life, the mirage is even cloudier and includes countless traps.
I recently read a blog by a cancer survivor who wrote about her daily errands and almost forgot to include the news of her recent clean scan. I hope to one day reach the point where I can accidentally forget to report my results. Go grocery shopping instead of making of dozens of phone calls. I’m trapped into thinking that my life will be over if I get bad test results. Of course I know this isn’t true, but still it’s virtually impossible for me to plan anything until after I receive the results. I spend weeks saying ‘we’ll see’ or ‘I’ll let you know’ when invited out by friends. Forget about trying to plan a vacation.
I can accept the fact that my calendar is heavily influenced by my treatments, but I can’t accept the fact that my future is trapped by test results, or more accurately, the possibility of bad results.
It may be blurry, but my mirage is still out there. The question is will I ever be able to see my future if I’m trapped by my test results?
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A very wise frog once sang ‘It’s not easy being green.’
‘She’s mule-headed, stubborn enough to make it through this.’