Hi. I’m Kate. Turn ons include IV drips, PETscans, and organic fig newtons. Turn offs include whining, hospital gowns, and artificial sugar.
Let’s see how much life I can squeeze in between work, chemo, sleep, and scans.
Mirage
How do you define your future? Are you a fiscally-minded person who sees life neatly divided into quarters? Or do you pay homage to the European philosophy that life is made up of a series of mini-holidays? Are you able to look into the future and clearly see yourself with your spouse, two kids, and a golden retriever?
Truth be told, I’ve never had a clear picture of my future. There were too many possibilities and, like shopping at a discount store, nothing seemed to fit right. My future has always been more like a mirage in a desert - a blurry image of a woman surrounded by family, friends, and a barn full of horses. Now that cancer is part of my life, the mirage is even cloudier and includes countless traps.
I recently read a blog by a cancer survivor who wrote about her daily errands and almost forgot to include the news of her recent clean scan. I hope to one day reach the point where I can accidentally forget to report my results. Go grocery shopping instead of making of dozens of phone calls. I’m trapped into thinking that my life will be over if I get bad test results. Of course I know this isn’t true, but still it’s virtually impossible for me to plan anything until after I receive the results. I spend weeks saying ‘we’ll see’ or ‘I’ll let you know’ when invited out by friends. Forget about trying to plan a vacation.
I can accept the fact that my calendar is heavily influenced by my treatments, but I can’t accept the fact that my future is trapped by test results, or more accurately, the possibility of bad results.
It may be blurry, but my mirage is still out there. The question is will I ever be able to see my future if I’m trapped by my test results?
Oh, I feel the same way. I was recently talking to my mother and said to her something like, “Once I get my next results (in 2-3 months) I”ll be able to relax and move on with my life,” to which she responded, “Why not move on with your life right now?” Cancer tests and scans will probably occur many times a year for the rest of my life. That could be a very long time, but the tests and scans will always be there. Just recently, I think I’ve started to feel a little more comfortable with the fact that the tumors will grow, the tumors will shrink, the markers will go up, and the markers will go down. I try not to obsess about every tiny change, but it’s not easy.
What’s so frustrating is that you’d think that when really confronted with our own mortality, we’d be out living life — taking those vacations and going out with friends. And it’s not like we’re even necessarily trapped by our own physical limitations; it’s what’s in our minds that really constrains us.
All I can say is that last week I took a little vacation, and last night I went out with friends. It was fun and made all the difference in my mindset. Unless you really can’t get out because you’re sick, try to accept those invitations when you can. A future surrounded by friends, family, and a barn full of horses sounds wonderful, and you have that right now (I think, although I’m not clear on the barn part). I hope you can enjoy it!
Kristy
Hi Kate,
I struggle with this too. I just never know how I’m going to feel day to day so how does one make plans, really? But I decided to try and take control of my own calendar. I want to take a few days to visit my sister or an old friend a few states away and let everyone and everything else wait on me. That goes for scans too.
There is a big bunch of Hoosiers praying for you, Kate…as always, me too!
Big warm hug,
Ann
Hi Kate. You don’t know me — just know that I am one of the many strangers praying with your family for you. I have had cervical cancer and while I didn’t have to do chemotherapy–I still remember the dr. telling me (over the phone, can you believe it?) that You have C.–I still hate to say the words. And, I remember going to a lawyer and making out a will after that. I also know a special Angel in Heaven–my father–who in 1995 was given a grim diagnosis of Stage iv cancer. We all thought he had a bad cold and the dr. never did a chest x-ray–until it was almost too late. My Father, My Hero, a man who already knew what life was all about and appreciated his family–he gave to all–even strangers–why was this happening to him? Life is so unfair. He was also a Fighter!!!! I read postings that you wrote back in the Fall and I see the same Fighter in YOU!! You know what my dear, he did chemo for two years and I remember the pain he was in–how sick he was–he fought it and kept a positive attitude. And, sometimes he was feeling so blue, (or green) and something or someone reminded he still had some fighting left to do. A miracle happened–he survived the cancer, Kate. He finally had clean scans!! And, he lived every day to the fullest–as he had done before because he knew too well that life was short. My point Kate is that no matter what the numbers show tomorrow–YOU GO GIRL!! FIGHT! BELIEVE THAT YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! It’s like numbers on the scale–you are not a number! It’s how you feel–if one is feeling good–should they let the scale dictate whether they are happy or not if they gain weight or not? You are NOT trapped! (By the way, I don’t have a scale in my home.) No matter what the numbers are! You ARE KATE! YOU ARE A FIGHTER! AND, That is THAT. Many people are fighting by your side Kate. I get online and research the cancer I had and see that it can commonly reoccur in another area of my body in the future. The doctor continues to monitor me. Every time I have a belly ache, my mind thinks that I have an enormous malignant tumor in my body growing by the minute. The mind does those things–crazy as they may be. We know Kate there are no guarantees. I could never have cancer again and still get hit by a car tomorrow. What I am trying to say, I guess, that no matter what the numbers are–feel well, think positive energy is traveling through your body and the chemo treatments are little bunnies going in your body, like Pacman, to eat all the bad carrots (this analogy helped my dad)–the chemo will work. Believe. You are not You because of your next Doctor visit. Your fate is not sealed tomorrow. My dad’s outlook was grim–Stage IV–he BEAT the Cancer!!
You ARE a beautiful person Kate.
You are a Fighter!
YOU GO GIRL!
Kate -
While I can’t say that I know how you and other blog-posters feel (because of course, I do not), I do understand and hear what you are saying. And I am here to tell you that I will CONTINUE to make plans for outings for us (be it pedis, lunch, sleepovers, or office visits), plan vacations/trips, and always extend the open invitation to visit me and use my guest room. At the same time, I DO understand that often-times a “maybe” is the best answer you can give. You are a beautiful-on-the-inside-and-out person, and I look forward to our next trip, no matter how you are feeling. And I forgive you for going for the pedi without me
Kelly
Kate, you do not know be but I feel that I have come to know you by reading your blog and talking to that CRAZY mother-in-law of yours. I have worked with Monti since she moved to Bristol. By the way she loves you very much!! I can not begin to know what you are going thru and how you feel. But I do know this you are a inspitation to me and many others. I do not know I would have had the courage to fight and be as strong as you have. Each of your entries in your blog touch my heart and make me realize what is important in life. Keep fighting and make those plans. We are praying for you and are with you in spirit. Have you ever read the poem Footprints? Sometimes we get tired and Jesus has to carry us for a while until we feel like walking again. Lean on him and trust in him for strength. God Bless You Dianne
Hi Kate~ I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately as I’ve been training for the SF PanCAN 1/2 marathon here in San Francisco. The race is this weekend and I think they’ve raised over $40,000 so far for research. This past weekend I ran 11miles, when the farthest I’ve EVER run was maybe 4.5. This whole thing has been inspiring to me on many levels… When I get tired and bored, I remember why I’m running - In memory of my dad and In HOPE for you.
You’re in my thoughts.
K
Hi Kate,
OK, this is SO not the same thing, but perhaps this will offer you a slightly new outlook: I remember delaying and delaying grad school because it was going to take 2-5 years to get my masters’ degree. And one day my boss said, “2-5 years is going to pass by anyway, why not have something to show for it?”
So here’s how I can apply that to your situation: The time between now and your next test results is going to come and go. You can’t stop the passage of time. Why not spend it doing something you want to do, rather than waiting to do that something? When you get your test results, whether good or bad, you will have gotten that pedi, visited that locale, or had a great time at your friend’s bachelorette party! No regrets.
Love you!
I’m attending the 2008 PANCAN advocacy day for my mom….and for YOU. in some wierd way, I think I owe it to you. Your blog has given me hope and has inspired my mom in unmeasurable ways. My mom is not in the position to attend, but I will be acting as her advocate. There is nothing that I want more, than for both of you to be able to plan for tomorrow. If it’s the last thing I do, I will make sure that congress understands the urgency of more funding for PC. It’s underfunded….yet the numbers are growing, go figure? I’m sorry that your future is measured by test results…my mom feels the same way and so do i. she is my best friend and my inspiration. I can’t even enjoy the possibility of conceiving a child without the fear of doing so without her? i am not capable of mothering a child without her guidance and encouragement. i want my mom back….is that so selfish? in my heart, i know you will prevail….it’s random, i know, but you are in my prayers and please believe…God is real and he reveals himself in different ways!
Hi Kate,
I’ve been reading your blog and keeping you in my prayers. I just wanted to chime in with Bethany. I’m reminded of the Beatles’ song “Life Goes On” - I think that’s the title, anyway.
As a new mom, I feel I have this image of the strong, independent, supermom to live up to. I’ve learned that sometimes you show your strength when you bend a little.
You and I are in different places in our lives with one thing in common - we’re both on a journey into uncharted waters. Luckily, there are others we can talk to and lean on.
It sounds like you’re really loved and cared for, Kate. I’m glad. :))
Dear Kate, just want you to know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Whatever the future holds.
Dear Kate,
I am not the patient, Brian, my husband is. We are in the same age range as you. Over a year ago my best friend asked if we as a family would like to go on vacation with them to a family friendly resort the following summer. She said that she knew money was tight and that they would even pay for it. My first thought was “I can’t commit to that! I don’t even know if Brian will still be here!”
We had plans. We had a 2 acre lot picked out to build our dream house on, then Brian got diagnosed and we had to let it go. Here we are, almost 2 years later and the mirage is still out there but Brian is trapped by the knowledge that the next scan could be the bad one, the one where we find out that the cancer has caught up with us. You are not alone.
Hope. Believe. Dream.
Sheryl
Dear Kate,
My husband, Jason, was dx at age 36 in Aug 07 at stage IV -pancreatic adenocarcinoma- with liver mets.
I hope your new tx is tolerable. I have heard from a stage IIIBer who is NED now that his pain persisted throughout tx and when they went in for the Whipple (yeah, he got a whipple) the tumor was dead. I know Jason’s pain has persisted despite good response on CT to tx. I like to think that pain and nausea outside tx times are due to dead cancer cells-necrosis has to hurt a little.
Please contact us if you feel up to it or interested. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Kate - Let’s go already! Its’ time for another post from you. I need my fix!
Hi Kate,
I came across your blog and have been taken in by your words. There are people all over the world that are praying for you - myself included. While the future will probably always seem like a mirage to you, keep in mind that the future is ALWAYS a mirage to all of us. We never know what is around the corner, we can plan our lives in our minds and they often turn out differently from what we thought. Embrace your mirage and make it Beautiful, make it SHINE! I know you can do that!
Abbey
Okay Girlfriend. I am RIGHT there with “Your Favorite Coworker”–Time for another post my Dear! There are lots of people rooting for you and saying prayers. You Go Girl!!! Be STRONG! AND BELIEVE!! YOU ARE A FIGHTER!
Thinking about you - checking every day, hoping for an update.
Wishing you well from *stormy* Massachusetts
Dorothy
Hi Kate,
I want to thank you for your site also !! I feel the same as you in so many ways, you are truly helping to spur me on . I am going for the gold and will surive this ! As will you !
Prayers and Peace, Susan
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