Lucky’s Rules
Kate asked me to hop in to say a few words while she’s getting over this week’s chemo treatment. She’s fine, by the way – tired from the meds, but they’ve kept her from being green this time around. That makes me happy – she’s strong, but everybody needs a little break in their favor every now and again. After all, we all know that life’s about ups and downs, but sometimes it feels like there are more downs than ups.
That fact got me to thinking about the first time I met Kate, which feels like ages ago now. I was kinda thrown into the mix at a point when she knew something was wrong, but wasn’t quite positive as to what it was. After her diagnosis, I have to admit that I wasn’t completely sure what to do or how to act. I felt pretty helpless.
Now, I know I’m not the only frog to have felt that way, so I thought I might write about a few things that I’ve learned through conversations with Kate.Obviously, these apply to Kate, and certainly aren’t universal truths. But they’re a good starting point, and hopefully they’ll help other people who are friends or family of someone diagnosed with cancer. We can call them “Lucky’s Rules” and here are the first five.
1. It’s okay to talk about cancer.
In a lecture, Randy Pausch called it “the elephant in the room,” and he’s right. To avoid talking about it is to pretend it isn’t there, and that certainly isn’t the case. You don’t have to be apologetic when you bring it up – it’s not your fault. If there are things you don’t understand, or want to know, ask. Within reason, of course.
2. …but not all the time.
Nobody likes to talk about any *one* thing all the time. And while cancer is a big part of Kate’s life, it’s hardly the only part. And I don’t see it as the part that defines her, at least not by itself. For example, she still likes the Red Wings and Lions… a bit too much.
3. There are some things you should think about before trying to express.
Sometimes the things we say that are intended to convey comfort actually have the opposite effect. Below are a few well-meaning sentiments that, at least for this frog, might not be the best things to say, just because you don’t know how they’ll be taken.
- “These things happen for a reason”
- “It’s part of God’s plan”
- “I’m sure it will all be okay”
4. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything.
We all know the importance of listening. And listening isn’t the hard part for me – *just* listening is the hard part. I’m a guy frog, and we guy frogs always want to fix things and respond. But sometimes just being there and being comfortable with being quiet is all it takes. Winnie the Pooh got it right:”Don’t underestimate the value of … just going along, listening to all the things you can’t hear…”
5. There is something you can do, so quit asking and do it.
Whenever I asked Kate if there was something I could do, she just politely declined and said that she appreciated the offer. I realized after a while that it’s pretty hard for most people to (a) accept offers of help, and (b) think about what might be most helpful, especially if they’re just trying to assimilate a new diagnosis. So instead of asking, just do: cook and deliver some dinners, show up and cut the grass or rake the leaves, clean the house and run the sweeper, just do. And don’t make a big deal out of it.Well, Kate’s going to be surprised when she wakes up to see how much virtual space I’ve taken over on her blog. So I’ll leave it at this for now, but not before asking you to post in the comments your own rules that might be helpful to others.I gotta bounce – Kate’s waking up and wants a pop-tart.
March 4th, 2008 saat: 7:51 am
If you have a friend diagnosed w/ cancer, don’t all of a sudden become a guru on health. We ate all of those foods that are supposed to prevent cancer. Oops, didn’t work, we still got cancer. Don’t try to fix us now. You can’t. You keep all that broccoli to yourself. After a cancer diagnosis, a good friend puts a beer in your one hand & a cigarette in the other and tells you, “We’ll figure it out together.”
In other words, my lifestyle did not cause my cancer; don’t make a person think they did something wrong in the past that all of a sudden can be fixed with blueberries and broccoli.
March 4th, 2008 saat: 9:01 am
I can so very well relate to what Beth just said. When my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, my father in law said that we had allowed her to eat too many sweets, thereby indicating that we had caused it. As for your advice to others, Lucky, good job! I refuse to be hush hush about the word or subject of cancer, but then, by now, you know I’m a bit bold anyway. Hopefully, when I spend time with Kate, that’s not all I talk or ask about. As for just helping, I guess I’ll just have to get Kate’s address and rudely show up unannounced with a mop and a rake and a broom (or even my snowblower if it snows)!
March 4th, 2008 saat: 1:18 pm
What I have learned after my mothers cancer diagnosis is that even if she doesn’t ask for it, she needs a lot of help and so does my Dad. Here’s how my friends and family have helped. My best friend makes cookies once a week and drops them on the door step before she goes to work. My Mom hates cookies but my Dad is a, “cookie monster”. My Mom has always had her house stocked with fresh flowers. People send fresh flowers often and that makes a difference in her mood. She gets a couple of get well cards a day often from people who write once a week. If you write a card once it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep writing. Stop by, if she can’t see you, well tell you. When you are there, clean up after yourself. Clean up whatever you can. Take out the trash, wash a car, put gas in a car. Pick up groceries… well pay you back. Walk the dog. Watch TV together. My Mom loves to hear what is going on in your life and doesn’t often want to talk much. Thats ok, keep it light and happy. Water the plant’s. Clean the fish tank. Bring by dinner, lunch, breakfast. (not enough to feed an army…then we just have to throw it out) The green man is right…there is always something you can do to help. I cannot tell you how annoying it is when people say to me, let me know if I can help. Figure it out. We have to. (sorry if I’m being a brat, it’s just a sensitive subject)
March 5th, 2008 saat: 7:59 pm
Hey Lucky -
Did you know that Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer?
March 6th, 2008 saat: 12:32 am
Kate I’m stealing rule #5 and slapping it up on my wall – or website – or tumbler account or someplace because darned if that frog isnt the smartypants of the day to make it up. I mean it’s so darned true.
OK – all true but especially that one does it for me right now. Keep on keeping on.
March 6th, 2008 saat: 12:05 pm
Wow Lucky – what a ‘ribbetting’ post. Really good stuff. You have been soo good to Kate. Do you have a brother or a sister who could give me some support
How about a friend or cousin???
Anyway,,,, you hit all the nails on the head. Although, I look forward to reading more about “Lucky’s Rules.”
Tell Kate hi and that I hope she turns a corner soon from her treatment.