Countdown
I’ve been gone for a very long time, I know, and I’m sorry. Everyone has been so supportive during my hiatus – sending me emails, tweets, etc. of encouragement. I would really rather not relive these past few months, but I believe I owe you some kind of explanation.
I was excited when I reached my one year anniversary of living with pancreatic cancer. I did it! I took a 3 to 4 month prognosis and stretched it to a full year. After one year of living with cancer, I thought I was strong and could take on anything. My foundation was stable and unwavering. I was quite proud of myself, thank you very much. My one year anniversary was something to celebrate. Bring on the confetti and cake! Unfortunately, my two year anniversary turned out to be something very different.
I woke up on the morning of my second anniversary and realized that I was far from happy – In fact, I was incredibly scared. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that, according to most published statistics, I have a mere three years left. Two down, three left. Something inside me snapped and my stable, unwavering foundation crumbled right in front of me. It’s difficult to explain, but this anniversary became a countdown to me…
- Will next Christmas be filled with more gift cards?
- Will I be able to make everyone stand up to toast in two years?
- Will I get to see Punxsutawney Phil three years from now?
- How many more Valentine’s Days will I have?
Now you all know how I feel about statistics, but I let the power of the numbers outweigh my personal beliefs. Someone suggested that I go back and reread some of my own posts about statistics and try to recapture the strength that I had back then. But, I didn’t. Instead I created and obsessed over my countdown. Two down, three left.
I don’t believe my countdown is a new concept. In fact, I’m convinced that most cancer patients have their own countdowns and refer to them constantly. Even in remission, I can still see a person take pause while opening Christmas presents to say a quick thank you for this year and pray for another cancer-free year.
So, I created this countdown in my mind and have been struggling with it for months. Enough. I can’t live like this. Well, more accurately, I refuse to live like this. So, the other day, I made my countdown a reality. I actually put the words on paper – and then I burned them. Which, in hindsight, wasn’t the best decision since our backyard is covered with dry leaves and I have no idea how to work our fire extinguisher.
Anyways, it was worth a shot and I can honestly say that I’m feeling better. There was something cathartic about seeing those words burn away. While I might need to find a long term fix for my countdown obsession, at least in the short term, I seem to have gotten it out of my system. Of course I may need to revert back to using this technique again, but at least next time I’ll be sure to have the fire department on speed dial.
Thanks for your patience, love, and kindness. Warm hug,
Kate
February 16th, 2009 saat: 12:18 pm
Hi Kate,
I’ve been thinking about you and look forward to your next entry.
Glad the paper burning helped. I know how to work a fire extinguisher if you ever want to do that again. I’d be happy to help.
Rick
February 16th, 2009 saat: 12:24 pm
It is sooooooo good to “hear” your voice again. I’ve missed you.
Meg
February 16th, 2009 saat: 12:34 pm
Kate-
I was wondering how you were doing and I think you have every right to have a moment if you need one. But, you are NOT a statistic, you’re young and you are going to beat this!
February 17th, 2009 saat: 7:28 am
Kate, thank you for continuing to share your struggle, because to feel other than you do would be a lie, and people have to express their feelings to conquer them. I always look foward to your writing; I can see how it’s exhausting to put on a brave front; and I have lost a dear friend to pancreatic cancer, so I know the prognosis.
But please try to enjoy one day at a time, because that’s all ANY of us really have.
February 17th, 2009 saat: 8:59 pm
Welcome back from a fellow PC survivor. I really hear what you are saying. I do the same thing. My family says its getting old but I can’t stop it. I so appreciate every milestone. Will it get better? Will I go 5 years? Doctors tell me not to look at the numbers and stats but how can you not when its there constantly. I feel it in my scars, I see it in my eyes and I hear it in the voice of strangers. Maybe after my brain starts to deal with it that will change. Maybe.
February 18th, 2009 saat: 7:49 am
I am so glad to see you on here again. I have never been so proud of anyone as I am of you. My son is very lucky to have you in his life. Remember whenever you have down days your family is always there to support you. We love you!!!
February 18th, 2009 saat: 8:34 am
Kate…It is so good to see you back online. I have been wondering and checking back looking for you but I did not want to send you a note bothering you since I was certain you were getting many ‘where are you’ and ‘how are you’ emails. Way to go on your milestone…..heres to many more. =)
February 18th, 2009 saat: 9:23 pm
So good to “hear your voice”, Kate!
I check your blog regularly and was pleasantly surprised to see a new post.
You ARE strong and such an amazing woman. No more countdowns, live for today!!
Peace!
February 19th, 2009 saat: 7:28 am
Kate – I just wanted to echo the others in saying how nice it is to read a new post. I’m so sorry that the last months have been such a struggle. I can’t imagine what it must be like, although I’ve tried. I only wish there were something I could do, but I know there probably isn’t. The good news is that you’re amazing, you’re strong despite what you think at times, and you’ve already proved to yourself that you can push through the hard times.
February 20th, 2009 saat: 9:45 am
Very happy to hear from you Kate. Anniversaries are tricky things. I’m about to celebrate my 1 year wedding anniversary, and I’m a 2 year PC survivor. I try not to think about the down-side to time ticking by, but to focus on the good. I think about what someone told me when I was first diagnosed “Who knows how long each of us have?”. I try to live my life enjoying every moment. God bless you, and know that people are praying for you.
February 24th, 2009 saat: 9:58 am
You are the best friend anyone could have – and I look forward to our next get-away…glad to see you’re ‘back.’ Zip-lines, anyone??? You are amazing and real and I miss you, girlfriend. See you soon
March 1st, 2009 saat: 11:58 am
Kate, you’re in our thoughts and prayers every day. Matt keeps us updated. Hope to see you in three weeks. Sheila and Rich
March 6th, 2009 saat: 9:19 pm
You have just put into writing everything that my Brian feels. He just passed his 3 year mark (Valentines Day) and I KNOW that he wonders if he’ll have a 4th, 5th, etc. We are in a different space than we were a few months ago. We have to figure out how to LIVE with this cancer because it is not going away. That is a hard thing.
Brian was dx in 2006 and had a whipple in Nov of that year. He went back to work in Jan. 2007. At our first bonfire of 2007 we burned, page by page, the 2006 calendar that had all of his appointments written on it. It was an awesome thing to do!
I am so glad to see you write again, and that you are well enough to do so.
Hope. Believe. Dream.
Sheryl
March 13th, 2009 saat: 3:10 pm
Dear Kate,
You do not know me. As you can see via this email, I’ve come to know you. I’ve come to know Randy Pausch as well and I am sure you know him. I lost my Mom to PC 3.5 years ago. She was diagnosed, had the Whipple and passed exactly 15 months post-op as predicted on diagnosis. She had 11 kids and lived a bountiful 71 years on this planet and was the most kind and giving human being I’ll never know.
That battle with PC still rages very hard in my mind and I constantly recount everything. It was not fun. Most human beings do not understand it. I do. And you do too.
Actually I really do understand your emotions. This is not a game for the faint or the weak. This is one reserved for the strong, the tough, the fearless; He/she who can take the worst in life head on and deal with it and challenge it – and survive. That can’t go on a resume. You are doing that and my Mom did as well. You’re young and have a legit crack at winning. I won’t lie and can’t predict the future. My Mom did not win, but the battle was brutal and fought with dignity and I was a big part of it and am very proud yet scarred.
I replay events quite often and most do not understand. You do. Sleep which rarely comes is filled with replay. I suspect that will not end anytime soon. Pride is there too though and my sense of importance and values is now nicely adjusted. I just wanted to tell you that and I will be truthful. We do not know if you’ll win but it is a battle worth fighting and if you win, you will encompass a happiness you can’t fathom. At the same time you’ll join a class in a most rarefied group of people and nothing in life will feel any better. You’ve a good crack at it so all I can tell you is to go out and just win – nothing else. You’ve demonstrated so much and I’d love to meet you and chat to be honest. I’ve seen too much what losing in the PC world is like. I want to see what a win is like. You are a winner and I think it would be neat to talk with a winner in this game – The rarest of rare breeds – you.
Just my thoughts.
James Tripodi Mahwah, NJ – 201-818-2540
jtripodi@talx.com
March 30th, 2009 saat: 11:29 am
Hi, I check in with your blog to see how you’re doing. It was good to see a new post from you. Wishing you well – and wishing you MANY more Valentine’s days!
May 5th, 2009 saat: 8:51 pm
So glad I found your blog. My you are inspirational and I love your Blue Merle Sheltie. I have one too! She is 3 and her name is Blue Belle. Here’s to a cure in our lifetime! No more chemo for both of us! Wishful thinking on my part but miracles do exist and I plan to start a new diet once I am able to eat normally!)
May 23rd, 2009 saat: 6:28 pm
How are things going? I have added you to my blogroll – Cancer Blog Links at http://www.beingcancer.net – my first pancreatic blogger. Take care, dennis
June 20th, 2009 saat: 9:37 am
Hi Kate,
It’s been a while since we chatted but I think of you often and pray that you are healing and continuing to be strong on this very difficult journey. I celebrated my 3 year anniversary since the Whipple in May and 2 years since my bowel resection in March. As I continue on this journey, I continue to pray and ask God to heal you and so many others who have this awful disease. As you know, I believe that through prayer all things are possible.
Keep the faith and keep praying!
Debbi
June 20th, 2009 saat: 1:20 pm
Just another internet fan – but want you to know that I’m thinking about you, Kate, and hoping that you are doing ok.
June 30th, 2009 saat: 8:12 pm
Kate, I was googling my name just for fun, and it linked to your site because one of my GMU KA Fraternity Brothers posted about our cancer research clinic. So, I was shocked when I saw your picture and I realized I remember you well from GMU, and the many KA parties.
Since GMY, my life has been devoted to cancer research, and our clinic has multiple cancer vaccine/immunotherapy trials which you would be eligible. Please email me back, and I can help get this info to your local oncologist, to see if you might be interested in these clinical trials. I personally have had a stage IV pancreatic cancer patient respond in the past, which is helping to bring these Phase I drugs into Phase II trials. Good Luck. Please call.
John Powderly MD
Oncologist and Principal Investigator, Carolina BioOncology Institute
704 947 6599
September 14th, 2009 saat: 6:41 pm
God bless Patrick Swayze and his family. Rest in peace.
September 20th, 2009 saat: 9:40 pm
Hi Kate, I’ve been following your blog for a while and often check for updates. It’s been quite a while and I hope you are OK. Please update if you can, I’m sure I’m not the only one out here thinking of you and holding you in my prayers.
March 18th, 2010 saat: 7:11 am
That took a lot and I am blown away by your strength. Well done!