Mundane
I wish I could adequately describe the feeling that hit me when my doctor suggested that it was time that I discontinue treatment. It was about four months ago and my current chemo regimen had stopped working and so he thought it was best that I discontinue treatment and let the disease simply run its course. Don’t get me wrong, I knew this moment would eventually come, but I tried to ignore it as much as possible. I tried to fill my days with lots of fluff so that I wouldn’t think about it, but here it was. I’d like to say that I confidently told him to told him to shove it, but I didn’t. I seriously considered his suggestion. Wouldn’t it be easier to just throw in the towel? I’ve been fighting for a very long time and I’m worn out. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight, none of my clothes fit, and I have to carry around this ugly bag for my pain meds.
The details of that meeting are a bit blurry. Was I actually supposed to make this decision right here and now? The room started spinning and I became nausea at the thought of what he was asking me to do. I started to think about all of the things I needed to do when I got home – water the plants, return library books, put away the laundry – and for whatever reason the mundane aspects of my life are what gave me enough incentive to tell the doctor that I wasn’t ready to give up just yet. Somehow I managed to joke that he wasn’t getting rid of me just yet.
I came home, still hurting from the knowledge that the treatment well is quickly running dry. I’m running out of options, but I’m trying to remain optimistic that one of these days something will come along and kill these tumors once and for all. Talking about it is the easy part, actually believing it is the tough part. How do I keep myself hopeful when my odds are dwindling with every treatment I receive?
I guess while I’m not very strong right now, I’m still fighting, and I’ll keep on surviving…and that will just have to be good enough for right now.
March 3rd, 2010 saat: 9:18 am
Hi Kate.
I wanted to first tell you how brave and strong you are. I first found you through a youtube video – an update video. I then found your blog. I was so glad to see an update about your life but didn’t realize how ‘full’ the update would be. The thought of you continuing to fight fills me with joy. I am cheering for you all the way!
If it wouldn’t be too bold of me to ask, I desire your thoughts about Jesus Christ and what the Holy Bible claims about Him and what it also claims about everyone that belongs to Him.
I don’t know you very well and because of that, I know you as the courageous lady fighting pancreatic cancer.
The reason I want to know what you belive is because He (Jesus) is my sheild. I hear all you are going through and I cannot even begin to really relate or understand it. I have nothing to even compare it too. It makes me first and foremost desire to pray for the Lord to heal you this instant right now. If not that then for new medications to become available for you, right now. If not that, then for Him to remove every fear and replace it with His peace that passes all understanding.
When all else fails, Hope is what I have left. Faith and Hope that He is who He says He is, that He can do what He says He can do, and that I AM who He says I AM – All because of Jesus and what He did for each of us on the Cross.
If you are already a believer, I hope you will search the scriptures and allow Him to meet your every need.
Thank you for revealing your heart here. I hurt for you. I am deeply saddened by the ‘outlook’ that has been given to you by the doctors, but I am lifted up by your will to keep on fighting.
I have prayed for you here and there but not consistently. I desire to pray for you everyday from here on out Kate – because that is all I have to offer……
Heavenly Father, I lift up sweet Kate to you now in the name of Jesus. I ask you to heal her, I ask you to kill these tumors once and for all. A miracle is what I ask for. Help me Lord with my unbelief – I know nothing is impossible with you. I also ask that you shower her with your Love. Show her how much you love her. I also know that my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. I ask for healing, hope, peace. I ask that your will be done in her life. You say in Jer 29:11 “I know the thoughts that I have toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Lord, I ask that you show her what this means for her. I also ask that you remove any fear that tries to take root. Reveal your love to her. In the name of Jesus I pray. Amen.
I also found this as I searched for the exact scripture verse in Jeremiah (the note follows the scripture): “I know the thoughts that I have toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”(Jer. 29:11)
..Let this scripture speak to you…hear the Lord assure you…Let HIM SPEAK PEACE TO YOU…He wants the best for you…You are not in a hostile place or situation alone…God is with you…”For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.”(2Chron.16:9)…It is God ,Himself who does battle in our behalf…He seeks to bless us…expect the miraculous in your life …Don’t allow your mind to short change you..Expect God’s best in all parts of your life…you will not be ashamed for trusting Him…Commit your way unto Him…He will take care of everything committed to Him…You will come out ahead…victory is assured…He promises(Psalm 37:5)…read it for yourself…Keep His promises foremost in your mind…discouragement will flee…start counting the prayers God has already answered for you…start counting your blessings…joy will flood your being…you will see the faithfulness of God…Uzziah prospered as long as he sought the Lord(2Chron.26:5)…Seek the Lord…you will be blessed…He will hearken unto you as you pray(Jer.29:12)…Expect to prosper in all ways…God will bring it about…God will cause your enemies to stumble…you are assured victory…in Christ Jesus you have victory…”Draw nigh unto God and He will draw nigh to you.”(James 4:8) Amen
March 3rd, 2010 saat: 9:54 am
So glad to see you posting again! It must have been so scary to hear that from the doctor even though you had tried to prepare yourself for it – nothing really does!
Wishing you continued stregnth and courage!
March 3rd, 2010 saat: 4:38 pm
I am sending you hugs. Lots of hugs. I do not know what you’re going through personally as it was my Mother that had to hear that while I held her hand, but I do know that I can pray and send thoughts of healing and comfort. I wish I could send cookies and cheesecake and good ole southern ribs for gaining some weight.
Hang in there Kate & thank you for keeping us in the loop.
March 5th, 2010 saat: 8:12 am
I’m so sorry. I see that you have taken your facebook profile down. The last post I got was that you were eating ice cream to gain your weight back. God bless you. There we’ll be many good people who have gone before you that have battled this disease. They will be there to meet you and wrap you lovingly in their arms as you are released from all earthly pain and worries. Godspeed for a safe journey home.
March 5th, 2010 saat: 10:13 am
You are AMAZING!!! Keep fighting!! We love you!!
March 5th, 2010 saat: 5:57 pm
Dear Kate, I have followed your blog ever since I too was diagnosed with PC. I was one of the lucky few whose disease was caught before it spread, and 3 years later they tell me I have nothing to worry about. I feel great guilt, and I pray for you constantly. I wish we could meet, I would hug you and sit quietly with you. You have been an inspiration for me, and other too I’m sure. Just remember that you will receive great blessings no matter what happens. Everyone has to go sometime, and you have been able to fight for the cause and make people aware of this horrible disease. I’ve never met you, and I feel like I know you and love you. Thanks for sharing your story, and giving many people hope.
March 6th, 2010 saat: 11:07 am
I first read your blog about two years ago and I’ve been pulling for you ever since. I’m glad you are still fighting.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
((hugs))
March 11th, 2010 saat: 11:11 am
Kate, I first met you on Twitter in 2006 and I have been following your fight from a distance. When conventional medicine gives up on you, it’s time to try nutrition and unconventional methods. Do you drink Essiac tea? Are there any nutritional things you have tried? And are you in clinical trials? You are a very bright light and I would do anything to help you. I know I can’t, but you are wonderful.
March 19th, 2010 saat: 12:19 pm
Kate dear –
Call me any time you need a little support or you want someone to hear you or you want another ride or you want someone to buy you a drink or you want to hit someone or you want someone to curse at or you want someone to bring you flowers or whatever.
I’m thinking of you right now and so are Connie and Pat.
March 22nd, 2010 saat: 7:15 am
Warm regards, sister.
March 25th, 2010 saat: 1:17 pm
Hi Kate. I’ve lost your e-mail address, so I’m writing to you here. You are the bravest, strongest person I know. I can only imagine what you are going through, but I’m a very good listener if you want to talk, vent, scream, or whatever. I hope you know that you have lots of friends who care about you very much and think of you often.
April 4th, 2010 saat: 6:09 pm
hello, kate,
i heard your message on the times. i’m a doctor, and i’m so appreciative of your courage, strength, and honesty. it makes me want to do my job even better.
bless you,
john
April 4th, 2010 saat: 9:34 pm
Hi Kate, thanks for posting an update, it has been quite a while. You have been through so much and have looked this pc in the face and truly kicked it’s butt! You have already beaten many many statistics and predictions about your life — you have proven them wrong time and again. I would like to celebrate your victories agains this monster, I hope you are able to do so. Much love and prayers for your continued courage and strength on this difficult journey.
April 19th, 2010 saat: 10:40 am
I had a sudden urge to try and contact you today. I was saddened to see that you were not doing well. I just wanted to say that I appologize for not being able to speak with you more at last years swim event. I realize you made a long journey in the heat that day and you werent feeling well. You are an inspiration to all of us! My Dad would be proud of you for not giving up! You have a good heart. I hope one day we will see each other again. Take care and God Bless!
May 7th, 2010 saat: 3:20 pm
My sister has PC stage 4 (diagnosis 23 months ago) and I see her journey (like you) taken with determination. She is attempting to live life as fully as possible. I agree with Francine “When conventional medicine gives up on you, it’s time to try nutrition and unconventional methods. Do you drink Essiac tea? Are there any nutritional things you have tried? And are you in clinical trials?”. If you have the energy or help, try and see what your body can do to heal it self. Moderate walking on a regular basis and in sunlight (vitamin D absorption) when feasible. Mike Milkin’s cookbook re cancer has an interesting section for food and spices that work in your favor. Curcumin is the yellow in Curry that helps in cancer. Cinnamon sprinkled in my oatmeal with ground up flax seed with orange zest, a few raisins and a dip of buckwheat honey is a delicious breakfast. Eliminate all processed meats (ham, bacon) because of the preservative. Filter your water. Avoid stress (lowers your immune system) through prayer, yoga, etc. Avoid streets with lots of traffic (pollution). Best of luck and I pray for many more years for you.
May 10th, 2010 saat: 8:45 pm
kate, you are wrong about one thing…you are very strong. and, you remain an inspiration to me. when i met you, i was awestruck over your resilience and determination. that has always stayed with me and while we worked together, i always thought of you as a friend.
i genuinely admire you.
also, i wanted to tell i that have an uncle who seems to be beating pancreatic cancer—or, he’s made a dramatic turn upward from what we thought was a downward spiral. they took him off chemo almost a year ago and his blood count is up, his strength is returning, and his hopes are high. he looks better, too. so, one never knows!
weather this out. stay strong and know that many, many people think of you and send you well wishes. i certainly am, my friend.